Today is Mother's Day in North America in case you live under a rock and didn't know. I've never been much into Mother's Day. I grew up with Mam's attitude that, like Father's Day, parental love and appreciation shouldn't be confined to one day a year. Of course, it's not really, hopefully, especially if you have decent parents. Mother's Day and Father's Day are more about commercialism. But they are hard to escape. And sometimes they're very unwelcome. Their 'in-you-face-ness' at least. I'm crying as I write this. Grief is a bastard. Not a word I like or usually use. It's the one that came first to mind. So there it is. This year, more than any other that I can recall, I'm really missing Mam. I feel compelled today to take one of the three pretty carnation plants my hubby Rob bought me from the MS society up to Dad's to place beside Mam's urn which Dad keeps on a table by the chair she slept in for the last year of her life. Dad regularly has fresh flowers or a flowering plant there. This year I want to bring something for her. Today. Mother's Day. That surprises me. I don't believe that deceased loved ones are in a particular place...if we're lucky we can feel them all around us a lot of the time, nor do I believe, as I've mentioned, in Mother's Day being so very special. But I do believe in following my intuition as much as possible and I feel compelled to take this carnation there this year. Of all of the carnations, I've chosen the brightest one for Mam cos she loved bright colours. Her favourite colour being red. Perhaps I sense Dad moving on and I feel freer to grieve? Rob sent me a f/b private message from downstairs: Happy Mother's Day, my darling. It made me cry. And I told him. He raced up to see. Yup. I mentioned about Mam and just missing her and maybe cos Dad had seemed to pass some invisible marker of grief this past year I felt freer to grieve? Or at least openly grieve in front of him? Rob also suggested that this year is 5 years since Mam died and those anniversaries have a way of sneaking up when you're not prepared for them. Before Rob's message, I'd cried as I made myself French toast with warm fruit, treating myself like a precious jewel to comfort myself. After Rob's message, my son Dane texted from the States where he's spending time with his hubby Jonathan. He told me I was an amazing mom and that he loved me so much and hoped I was having an amazing day. I hesitated but replied with a thank you and said I was crying cos I was missing his grandma. So we texted back and forth for a bit. I told him I was ok and plastered smileys all over the text to prove it. He said he knew that but it was ok to cry. Did I tell you he's a wise one? As I was preparing breakfast, I listened to CBC Radio. The host, Angeline Tetteh-Wayoe, mentioned it being Mother's Day. She said it was a hard one for her. Her mother had died just over a year ago and today was her mother's birthday as well as being Mother's Day. Her voice broke as she revealed that. A tough day to get through. She played A Good Mother by Jann Arden as the final song. Very moving. Perhaps part of the reason that I'm grieving today is that it does make me focus on Mam and whereas I do believe that our loved ones are always with us in some form, I feel like I'm losing some of this earthly connection, the memories, and yearn to reestablish that. Angeline got me thinking about Mam's favourite songs. These are the details that I sometimes feel slipping away into the mist. But I remember the year I spent in Britain living with Dad's parents, my Nanna and Grandpop, while Mam and Dad established their life in Canada. My record player and all my records had been sent on ahead. It needed a transformer to change the electrical current so it would play in Canada and Mam and Dad saw to it all for me so that I could play my records on a Christmas visit. But they wanted to test it. Mam had written to me saying she had fallen in love with a song and one particular phrase in this song. And she bought it. I couldn't remember when she had ever bought a single before. And she played it on my record player to test it and she hoped that was alright. Of course. The song is by England Dan and John Ford Coley. The line is "There's a warm wind blowing the stars around/and I'd really love to see you tonight." Thank YOU for hearing me. And Happy Mother's Day, whatever that means to you and whatever your memories. In a sweet aside, I consider myself mom to all my pets and Rogue deposited a bone behind the bathroom door as I was showering today. His gift. The cats may or may not bother depending on their moods. Lol.
1 Comment
maggie pattison
5/15/2018 03:58:22 pm
happy mothers days wishes sent to you from me .
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AuthorWelcome! I'm Sue Blott: a writer of all things, a poet at heart, mom, wife, daughter, step-mom, grandma, tea drinker, tai chi-er, mystic, artist, dreamer...and now a blogger! This is my world. Categories |