Last night I realised I had made a mistake which could result in disappointing several people. It was to do with the NOWW awards and the NOWW magazine, of which I'm editor. I felt defensive (my first unflattering reaction to any mistake I make) and crappy and like a corner of my world had crumbled. It was a fairly legitimate mistake and nothing major or bad will occur as a result. Disappointment for some people. Something I never want to happen on my account, of course. (is that defensiveness creeping in again?) The corner of my world which began to crumble let in all past mistakes along this line...as I dug deeper into...what? self pity?...it started to let in all past mistakes. EVER. Ugh. And to dissipate this landslide of self blame and shame, I had only one miniature chocolate egg. Shame this deep required at least whole chocolate bar. And chips. Salt and vinegar preferably. I watched a funny video of cute cats on facebook. That helped. More than anything else, I tried to just sit with the feelings until they subsided or I chased them away without numbing out. I sent an email to my lovely friend Louise who I knew would understand because she seems to understand all my feelings and accepts me despite my self doubts. A few days earlier, a friend had also experienced similar self-disappointment and shared it with me. I tried to cheer her up, put everything into perspective, acknowledge her feelings but also boost her by pointing out how kind she is, pointing out the beautiful loving 'her' we all see. I sent her what I consider the bedtime quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I have it (and what I consider the morning quote) printed out and hanging in my bathroom. The quote and a damn good sleep helped. But this being human stuff can be tough sometimes.
Wishing you a day of love and sunshine. In your heart at least. Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe.
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AuthorWelcome! I'm Sue Blott: a writer of all things, a poet at heart, mom, wife, daughter, step-mom, grandma, tea drinker, tai chi-er, mystic, artist, dreamer...and now a blogger! This is my world. Categories |